Russlerisms

• I don't procrastinate! I prioritize.
• An unhealthy person is always coming down with something. A hypochondriac is always coming up with something.
• There's a card missing from this deck. How'm I s'posed to deal with that!?
• I sleep like a baby! Every two hours I wake up hungry.
• Guns don't kill people. It's the bullets coming out of the guns really fast. Those things kill people!
• [concerning the scriptures]   Don't change the message; let the message change you!
• We have a little amateur music group. We get together and play weakly.
• I keep my valuables in the dishwasher. . . . Don't tell me you haven't heard of "dishwasher safe!"
• Soft drinks at that place cost me $2 a pop.
• I never make blanket statements, but I think there's been a cover-up.
• If I have a stomach bug, shouldn't I see a gastroentomologist?
• I'm not a gambling man. I bet I would be lousy at it.
• Don't count your chickens before the fat lady sings.
• I want to become invisible now. Do I make myself clear?
• People used to confuse me with my brother. Now I get confused even without him.
• Does that hip-hop artist have a rap sheet? Or does he do it from memory?
• I can't turn on a dime. I can't even find the switch!
• That "muscle memory" thing doesn't work for me because my muscles are so forgetful.
• When I was born, my parents gave me a funny look. I still have it.
• I remember her!   I used to worship the ground she treated me like.
• This morning my wife told me I needed a hair cut. Tonight I looked in the mirror and saw which one she was talking about.
• I was trying to remember who Thomas Edison was. Then a light bulb came on.
• My next career is going to be contract hit man. I hear they make a killing.
• I spilled glue all over this ink pen, but I can't seem to throw it away. I've become attached to it.
• I think there's a check in my billfold. Lemme check in my billfold.
• This guy said that Cyclops had one eye. So I corrected him, "No, it's a Y, not an I."
• The trial judge ordered me not to add anything. I was nonplussed.
• When I was little and we would go visit other people and they would say, "Make yourself at home," I thought they were telling us to go back to our own house.
• Turn your TO-DO List into a TA-DA List!
• I visited the prison and drew pictures of some of the inmates. Now everyone says I'm a con artist.
• Have you been living under Iraq?
• I accidently cut my finger while getting the cheese out of the package. I guess next time I won't buy the sharp cheddar.
• My motto is "If you can't do anything well, do a bunch of things halfway."
• I was standing my ground, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't sitting.
• They had a talking minah bird in the lobby. It had a fowl mouth.
• When I was hiking in the woods, I thought I spotted a leopard. Then I found out they come that way.
• I think there's some button I'm s'posed to push, but I can't put my finger on it.
• I'll go out of my way to avoid a detour.
• Oh yeah? Well, my dog can lick your dog!
• I was talking to the group about electroconvulsive therapy. People were shocked.
• Robert has been instrumental in promoting a cappella music.
• I'll beat that dead horse when it crosses the bridge.
• He said his name was Giuseppe Righello, but he was only Joe King.
• I was entertaining an idea, but it fell asleep during my performance!
• If I intentionly kill someone by prescription drug, is that premedicated murder?
• She told everyone that I always forget to use sunscreen. Boy, was my face red!
• Since sunscreen blocks UV rays, can I use it as eyedrops and look directly at the sun?
• I'm no longer doing the underground commute in Boston with someone else in the car. The doctor says I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
• When I worked with sheep, I had about 135 ewes, but I told people there were 150. Hey! They were sheep. . . . I rounded them up!
• I don't remember being this forgetful!
• Like . . . I was like, "What's she like? Like, do you like, like her?"
• I've been diagnosed with sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia.
• Alison was very vocal about women keeping silent.
• I feel filled full. But I don't feel fulfilled!
• Doesn't it seem like "father figure" should be synonymous with "dad bod"?
• My friend mistook a glue stick for a tube of ChapStick®. He never said a word about it!
• It's true that Wayne Boden was a serial murderer, but none of his victims was named Ruth. That's why they called him a ruthless killer.
• I've never flown on an airplane. I always get in it before takeoff.
• Talk about working yourself out of a job! I had a business going door-to-door selling "NO SOLICITATION" signs.
• I don't have all my wits about me. Some of my wits are about other people.
• When you ask me if I want cherry pie or chocolate cake, my answer is yes. And if you say, "Does God always say 'yes,' or always 'no'?" . . .
• We went to the service at the cathedral, and everyone was griping about everything. It was clear that we had reached critical mass.
• I told the mime that his was the best performance ever. He was speechless.
• After her sinus surgery, her E.N.T. said he would keep an eye on her nose.
• I used to have a spring in my step. Now it's a fall.
• It smells bad in our shopping center's parking lot, but it's not my fault. It's asphalt.
• They thought if I tried to lift that much weight over my head, I would hurt myself! I was crushed.
• When people move here from East Asia, they're disoriented.
• I know where the berries are bottled.
• Is there any significance to the fact that I can't remember the show "Unforgettable"?
• This guy had a list of swear words. I didn't even take a cursory look.
• I live in a tudor style house. (I don't know why they spell it like that!) It only has a front door and a back door.
• Samson the Danite was one of the most successful performers of all time. He was forced to entertain a crowd of 3,000 people who did not like him, but he literally¹ brought down the house! (See Judges 16.25-30.)
• I was born a wimp, but I identify as a bodybuilder. My pronouns are he/man.
• If you really believe weapons should be outlawed, you need to stick to your guns.
• I hear you're entering a spitting contest. How do you expect to rate?
• After they illuminated me as a suspect, they put me in the witless projection program.
• I think I'm losing it. Sometimes I try to say something, and I just can't think of the right . . . um . . .
• My favorite kind of test question is fill-in-the-_____. But when a question is really hard, I often draw a _____. Like when we were studying firearms and it said a _____ cartridge contains powder but no bullet. After a long _____ stare, I left that one _____.
• I can't decide whether I like this new pillow . . . Or not. . . I guess I'll have to sleep on it.
• Some guy was riding a bicycle, and when he got to a stop sign, he didn't stop. But he did slow down. So, I pulled him off of his bike and started beating him up. When he yelled at me to stop . . . I just slowed down. . . .
• I believe COMMUNICATION should go both ways.
• I have a watch with two hands, but neither of them is a second hand. One is an hour hand, and the other is a minute hand. In order for a watch to have a second hand, it needs to to have a third hand. I thought about getting a watch with a second hand, which would be the third hand, but even if I bought it new, it would be a secondhand watch.
• NOITACINUMMOC

Three tips concerning the use of the internet:

1. There is a lot of misinformation on the internet.
2. Everything on the internet is reliable.

IF YOU LOVE EGYPT

• The Russler:   Mr. Brown, may I borrow your pliers?
• Mr. Brown:   What are you trying to pull?
• The Russler:   Never mind. May I borrow your hammer?
• Mr. Brown:   Knock yourself out.
• The Russler:   May I borrow your crowbar? I don't mean to pry. . . .
• Mr. Brown:   Here, you can borrow my pencil!
• The Russler:   Is there a point to this?

º   Monsieur Dubois:   We'd like permission to — 'ow you say? converse — in French. º   Madame Dubois:   May we? º   The Russler:   Mais oui!2

Interviewer:   Do you have multiple personalities? The Russler:   Who are you asking?

The Russler:   I have 21 of these, and seven people to give them to. The Assistant:   Give them three each. The Russler:   Thanks. That helps me allot.

	Verses For Seniors "The very hairs of your head are numbered." –Phlippants 2:1 "Blessed are the pacemakers." –1st Cardiacs 12:34 "Give us this day our daily meds." –Hippocrates 24:7 "Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we diet." –Isayit 207:206 "A living dog is better than a deadline." –Eccleselastic 9:4

¹And I mean "literally" literally.
²French for "Of course!" Pronounced "May we!"

I tried an experiment with a messaging app.
Click HERE to see the result!